re-feed day, a.k.a the 2k calorie challenge

So I am currently freaking out because I’m out of town with Mom and I just scarfed 3 pieces of garlic bread at dinner, in addition to all the other massive calorie bombs I have been eating all day.  I’m so fucked.  But that’s not what this is about.

I woke up this morning thinking that I should do my own calorie challenge: I should try to eat like a normal person for just one day and see how I feel.  This could also be called a “re-feed day.”  What I eat and when will depend on my schedule for that day, but here’s what I was thinking:

breakfast: 1/2 cup of grape nuts, 1/2 cup granola, baked with almond milk and honey (500)

snack: apple and almonds (150)

lunch: big salad or wrap (330)

snack: fruit and yogurt or Quest bar (190)

before studio: kamut cakes, peanut or almond butter, banana

dinner: rice, veg, fish or chicken

dessert: yogurt, popsicle, froyo, sorbet, etc.

That is almost exactly 2,000 calories.  I got 1899, which is probably a little low.  So one of these days, when my weight is back down, I’m gonna give it a shot, just for one day, just as an experiment.  I will probably come up with several alternate menus and meal plans, depending on the day.  I could use the FDOE YouTube vids for ideas, from either the fitness or the ED recovery vloggers.

450 calorie panic

I am so sick of this shit.  Like SO sick of it.  I have been hungry lately, which is weird because I don’t get hungry.  I blame it on the fact that I quit gum for 2 days.  Clearly that little experiment is ending, and I sit here in the middle of the day chomping away.  But late night I got up at 1 a.m and had 2 packets of almond butter on kamut cakes.  Today was already a high-cal day for me, so that brought my total to 1662 and .5 extra pounds this morning (so now I weigh 106.5).  I’m trying not to restrict too much today, as I know the quickest way to start a full-on binge cycle is to try to restrict when my body is screaming, “OMG WE’RE EATING??  ALL THE FOODS RIGHT NOW!!”  I keep thinking I’m going to try to increase my calories, but I just can’t.  I know I probably should enlist some professional help, but that would involve a commitment to weight gain, or even just changing what I eat, and I can’t.

All the things I would eat if I could

Whole Foods:

almond berry banana green smoothie

chicken friend tofu

peanut butter chocolate trail mix

banana pudding

scones & muffins


Trader Joe’s:

all the trail mixes

dried mangoes


Egg and cheese bagel from Coffeeology

any bagel with peanut butter from Brueggers (prob chocolate chip or cinnamon sugar)

Five Guys

pizza from Whole Foods or Mellow Mushroom

pad Thai

sweet & sour pork and crab rangoons

Indian food

Vietnamese food

Jamaican food

African food

Chick fil a spicy chicken sandwich & fries

Jam’s Deli

Mediterranean/Middle Eastern Food

scone from Loaf


Lily’s salad

Flying Biscuit

Biscuitville strawberry muffin

Doughnuts (Rise, Duck, Donut World, Dunkin, Krispy Kreme)


velvet mac & cheese


graham crackers with peanut butter

waffles with almond butter and maple syrup


chicken strips

froyo with candy

soy chai latte

protein cookies

any cookies

popcorn & reese’s (at the movies)

those marshmallows I saw at Harris Teeter — especially the mint chocolate chip

chex mix

anything by Hostess

Taco Bell chicken chips

so much more . . . there will probably be a Part 2



four months again!

I’m thinking this is a good thing.  But today . . . I want to binge my face off.  Seriously.  If I didn’t have the month from absolute hell coming up, I would totally binge and purge, even though it’s been almost a year.  But I need to stay healthy.  So no.  But if I still feel like this in April, then yes.

it’s been a while

Wow — four months.  I think that’s the longest I’ve gone without writing in here since I started this blog.  And yes, that is a good thing.  It looks like I weigh the exact same now that I did the last time I wrote — 108.5, up (rapidly) from a recent low of 105.5.  No b/p since April, still, and it looks like my last binge was the last time I wrote here, which was July.  So why am I writing now?  Well, I have been meaning to write for the past week or so because the urge to b/p has hit me strong lately.  I can think of a few possible reasons for this: the season, the recent end to a one-sided love affair (that never really was a love affair — that’s how -1-sided it was — I basically made the whole thing up, but that’s another story) . . .  and I’m just sick of . . . this whole thing.  Also my weight has been crazy fluctuating lately without bingeing, so that’s been weird and stressful.  So I was feeling like — okay I’m either about to relapse or turn a corner in a positive direction.  And then I had a convo last night with my coach that sort of changed the game a bit.  She said that she wants to use me to help her teach, but she needs me to gain weight.  So we’re back there again.  I told her no, I can’t handle it.  She said she would try to figure something out, but that would really limit my usefulness.  So even though I said no, it’s gotten me thinking, and I actually feel kind of hopeful and possibly ready today to at least be open to making some changes.  The first one being that, instead of trying to lose the weight I’ve gained, I need to just keep eating the same or more (but not binge).  She said I need to gain 5 pounds, but I’ve already gained 3, so that would put me at what I know is a pretty healthy weight for me — 110.5.  So basically I only need to gain 2 more pounds.  But I DO NOT want to binge.  At all, not even the semblance of a binge, because that’s just going to send me down the road of self-hatred, either through a relapse, or just a binge cycle where I want to fucking kill myself all the time.  Weight gained through bingeing feels very different than weight gained through adding more healthy food into my diet — bigger meals, more healthy snacks, etc.  Actually, I wouldn’t really know this because I’ve never done the latter, only the former, but I can imagine that it must feel different.  I know how binge weight feels and it is awful and I don’t want that at all.  But maybe if I could just put on a  couple of pounds by eating more healthy foods I might be able to deal with that.  Then again, I feel like I’ve been down this road before, and it’s never gone well.  I also need to talk to her about how I feel like she’s really let me down in this area in the past and it makes me not trust her and not believe that she will follow through even if I do gain weight, because that’s how it has been previously.  Like two years ago — I gained TEN FUCKING POUNDS to partner with her.  She tried it for like 5 minutes, didn’t like it, then I was stuck with this horribly fat body (117) and nothing.  Obviously I got the weight off, relapsed twice in the meantime, and was basically just in hell for a really long time after that.  I don’t know that she’ll be able to hear me on that, or not get defensive.  But I feel like I need to say it.  She also tends to remember things differently than I do, so I’m afraid she’ll just tell me that none of that ever happened.  Fortunately, I have this blog as evidence for myself that it did, because I was writing about all of that constantly.  Not that I would ever show this to her, but at least for myself, I know that it was real.

first binge in over 2 months

Approximately 600 cals, which isn’t terrible, but I gained the usual 2 full pounds anyway, mostly because the binge happened between midnight and 3 a.m., and I weighed myself for the morning at 10:30, which isn’t even 8 hours later.  I had only eaten about 900 cals before the binge though, so my total was about 15-1600.  I had planned to only eat 900 today, but I’ve already fucked that up, so I’ll hopefully still be able to keep it under 1100.  If I don’t gain any more weight (which sometimes happens the day after a binge, even if I restrict), then I think I’ll still be okay for my usual meals this week, since I only weighed 106.5 yesterday, so now I’m 108.5.  I honestly wish though that I had left my house at midnight and just bought a pint of Ben & Jerry’s because that’s what I really wanted, and now I can’t have it at all because I binged on stupid bullshit (kamut cakes, pb2, real peanut butter, olives, jello, dried seaweed — BULLSHIT).  First of all, it was midnight, so I was like — no, it’s too late — but I was awake until like 4 anyway, so . . . second, I was afraid it would turn into a legit binge/purge session if I went to the store, which . . . okay — valid fear.  But still.  I haven’t even wanted real ice cream lately, and I both wanted it and could have afforded it so I should have just had it.

fuck my birthday week

It’s just starting and already I’ve gained back almost all the weight I worked so hard to take off last week.  In one day of course.  So I followed the plan I wrote about in my last post, and yeah, I didn’t binge, but I went from 107 to 109 in one fucking day, and that day included 3 performance sets.  So today I’m tired, sore, AND fat as fuck.  I know I’m going to be forced to eat a fuckton of cake tonight, I have to eat lunch with Mom on Wednesday, and then I think I’m being “treated” to a ColdStone nightmare on Friday night.  Then there will probably be more “treats” on Saturday after class.  And these are only the things I know about.  I deleted my birthday from Facebook, because I was afraid someone would like bring me a fucking cake at work or something and I would just have a goddamn breakdown.

I’m trying to tell myself that my only goal for this week is not to binge, even if I gain 5 pounds, which at this point, I’ll be lucky if that’s all I gain.  But there’s only one person, and one reason that I don’t purge anymore, and she fucking hates me, so I don’t know if I’m going to make that goal.  I know if I binge I’m going to purge; there’s no question there.  But I also have to remember that if I do it once, I’m gonna want to do it again, and it would actually be easier, and possibly even better weight-wise, for me to just not binge, gain the weight, and then focus on getting it off over the next week or 2 (because I know it actually won’t take me more than 2 weeks to get it off, even if I do end up at 113 or some bullshit at the end of all this).

it’s going to be okay

I’m freaking out about Sunday.  I was just informed that after the performance I will be required to eat an entire meal plus an entire jumbo chocolate chip cookie at Zoe’s Kitchen.  The meal will be 400 calories, the cookie is 590.  So I added up the calories for the day with all of my other usual food and it’s going to be 1691.  My TDEE is 1992.  Now I know that I gain at anything over 1100.  But for one day, with 3 performance sets, it will be okay.  I don’t have to freak out and b/p.  That makes no sense at all.  If I did that, it wouldn’t change the lunch calories.  If I don’t eat dinner, I will probably binge.  So I need to just eat the massive lunch, then I need to not be at home — I need to go to the office or to a coffee shop and work until the evening, then eat my normal dinner.  It’s going to be okay.  Any weight I gain, will be long gone in one or two days.  Don’t panic.  Enjoy the cookie, the company, and the day.  Pray.  Ask God for help.  You’ll get through it.


so let’s talk about how I lost 2.5 pounds in 2 days

Yeah, I can’t even believe it.  Tuesday I was practically in tears because I was at my high weight, and not it’s Thursday and I’m at my low weight which I haven’t even seen in weeks.  How did I do it?  I stayed just under 1200 cals each day — and a real, legit number — no cheats.  Which means I don’t think I ate any pb2 because that’s where the cals really add up for me.  I only made 2 small changes really other than that — Tuesday I had the Southwest Salad with no extras instead of the Cobb, and last night I had the Market Salad with no extras instead of either having the extras or having the large Superfood side with the 8-piece grilled nuggets.  Other than that, it was pretty much the same!  Oh, and I didn’t eat anything lat-night other than a pickle on Tuesday night.  I also ate everything a little earlier, so I had my Arctic Zero by 10:30.  No exercise on Tuesday, one 2-hour ballet class last night.  The usual drinks (i.e. Coke Zero).

Here’s what I ate:


breakfast: Great Value Strawberry Shortcake Lite Yogurt (80) with 1 scoop biochem vanilla whey protein (55)

Lunch: bai soda (10), 1 cup (accurately measured) broccoli (31) with 3 oz lite tofu (45) — steamed with braggs, salt & pepper

snacks: Great Value lite strawberry shortcake yogurt (80) with 1/4 cup of Mom’s homemade granola (which I keep at work) and a Chocolate Mint Cookie Crunch Balance Bar right before I went into the prison to teach

dinner: Chick-fil-a Spicy Southwest Salad (no dressing or extras — 420 cals but might have been less — don’t know if that counts the extras or not), Caramel Arctic Zero with no toppings

Total – 1136 cals


breakfast: 3 oz lite firm tofu (45) with 2 egg whites (34) on a low-carb tortilla (50) with slim life tea

lunch: salad — 2 cups salad mix (10), 5 baby carrots (23), 5 sugar snap peas (7), 2 grape tomatoes (3) with Walden Farms Ranch. A 16.9 oz coke zero and a cup of black decaf coffee at the meeting. Great Value Strawberry shortcake lite yogurt (80).

snacks: before nap (3:00) — 2 agave-sweetened kamut cakes (62) with 2 tb homemade almond butter (96) — this measurement might have been slightly cheated; after nap — 1 dill pickle spear and 1 jello cup (5); before ballet — 2 agave-sweetened kamut cakes (62) with 2 tb Naturally More peanut butter with oil poured off (stored in pre-measured tablespoons)

dinner: Chick fil a Grilled Market salad, no dressing, no extras (180) with a medium diet lemonade with no ice (20). Brownie Blast Arctic Zero at 10:30 (300) with a diet Sunkist (that had caffine in it unbeknownst to me and kept me up all night)

no late-night snacks even though I kept waking up very hungry.  That’s how I knew I was losing weight. 🙂

So there you go!  That’s the diet to follow if I ever need to drop some weight fast.  Now hopefully I can keep it off until the performance on Sunday!